026- Not the fun kind of roller coaster

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I've been struggling with what to write lately. This is something that has been bothering me since I found out that I have cancer again. August 8 was *supposed* to be my 5 year cancer-free anniversary. I feel like something was stolen from me. I was looking forward to celebrating this anniversary date. But it wasn't meant to be.

They say that the cancer journey through cancer diagnosis, treatment, and recovery brings about a roller coaster of emotions. Oh so true. And the roller coaster isn't just for the patient. Just like a roller coaster, this journey is filled with unexpected twists and turns that challenge patients and the people who love them in ways they may have never imagined. Some of the emotions that I have felt in the past 2 weeks are (in no particular order because they ebb and flow) shock, fear, anger, anxiety, frustration, uncertainty, hopelessness, hopefulness, determination, and more. I can't imagine what the people that love me are going through. A very wise woman once told me that it's harder being the spouse than the patient. I can see how that would be true.

Here are some of the things that have gone through my mind since cancer diagnosis 2.0.

Shock and Denial - A diagnosis of cancer can feel like a quick plunge into freezing waters. But a second diagnosis? My first thought was NO, JUST NO! This can't be happening again. That was when I thought it was a recurrence of my breast cancer. I dreaded having to tell my kids, family, and friends. Patients might find themselves questioning the accuracy of the diagnosis or feeling disconnected from their own bodies. It's important to let yourself feel these emotions. While shock and denial are common emotional responses, as the mind struggles to process the unbelievable situation, you soon move onto other emotions.

Fear and Anxiety- Fear of the unknown and anxiety about the future are natural reactions. Thoughts of whether the cancer has spread, treatment side effects, potential outcomes, and the impact on the people you love can create a sense of overwhelm. Some get assistance by connecting with support groups or therapists. And others prefer to have a trusted person or two to talk things through. Or maybe you'd prefer to journal about how you feel. Once again, I think it's important to let yourself feel these emotions.

Anger and Frustration- Cancer can trigger feelings of anger and frustration, directed at the illness itself, the medical system, or even one's own body. I struggled with all of these things. I was angry at my body. I had a LOT of trials and tribulations with different aspects of the medical system, both here locally and at UC Davis Medical Center. I had to find healthy outlets for these emotions, such as journaling, self care like massages, or seeking creative expressions like art. Direct communication with healthcare providers can also alleviate frustrations related to treatment plans and decisions.

Uncertainty and Ambiguity- Scans, test results, and treatment outcomes can create a sense of ambiguity that triggers anxiety. Learning to live with uncertainty is a skill that can be honed over time. I will say that I really struggle with this. I need a plan and I need it RIGHTNOW! Two of the best things, in my opinion, are prayer and cultivating a support network. These are both powerful tools for managing this aspect of the emotional roller coaster.

Hope and Determination- As the roller coaster climbs back up, hope and determination begin to show up slowly. Choosing hope brings about a resilience that becomes evident as patients gather the strength to face treatment, embrace positivity, and focus on recovery. Setting realistic goals, celebrating small victories, and visualizing a "normal" future can bring about a sense of empowerment and motivation.

The roller coaster of emotions is a challenging journey that encompasses a wide range of feelings. While the ups and downs can be overwhelming, they also provide opportunities for personal growth, resilience, and new perspectives on life. By acknowledging and addressing these emotions, individuals can learn to navigate the twists and turns of the cancer journey with greater strength. Remember, seeking professional support when needed is a sign of strength, and connecting with others who have faced similar challenges can provide invaluable comfort and understanding.

I'm pretty proud of myself for letting myself work through these emotions. And I'm sure I'm not done with this roller coaster. It looks like I will be having surgery to remove the tumor later this month at UC Davis. As I understand it, reconstruction will be done during that surgery. That's what I know at this point. If you know someone struggling with cancer, or any scary diagnosis, send them this blog post. If I can make myself proud while beating cancer (again!) you can too! Make yourself proud.